The Good and Beautiful Life: Play Soul Exercise

Author: James Bryan Smith

I will confess that this soul exercise was not as...beneficial for me as the letter writing was. I guess that has to do with the fact that I do not "play" a lot, at least not in the typical meaning of the word. my favorite types of games are board games, or games that do not require you to shout or scream, like spoons or games like that. am sure if you know me,that that does not come as a huge surprise. therefore, this soul exercise was a challenging for me. my idea of "play" is reading a good book that I love, or writing on one of my posts, or sending one of my "encouragement" texts or talking with a friend. those are ways I relax. going to see a movie is also another way I relax. writing, movies, friends, and reading are the best ways I relax.  I'm  going to write about some...games that we played at the SBC Leader Retreat this past weekend, and why I enjoyed them. I do not want to just write about these games to be able to say I did this soul exercise or to check it off,so I will say that I did not play these games for the purpose of doing this soul exercise. doing these games was actually not a choice of mine, but games that the SBC Committee had us play to help us get to know each other.
       one of the first games we played at the retreat was a bit uncomfortable for me actually. it is this game where you stand in a circle and say an adjective that describes you that starts with the first letter of your name, like "kicking Kelsi" or "anxious Alex." and you have to do a movement that goes with it. then everyone has to say your adjective name, and do the movement, and the ones for everyone who went before you, and so on. it helps you learn people's names because you remember the adjective. it's also very funny! anyways, it was uncomfortable for me because people saying my name kinda made me uncomfortable, but it was fun and a lot of funny things were done and said, and we laughed a lot.
  another game I really enjoyed was this opposites game. we all lined up in a single line, next to our co-leaders. then joseph(comittee member, finance person) would say two things that were "oppsites"(not all were true opposites but choices) and if you went for one you would go to the right side, if you went for the other you would go to the other side, and depending how much more you preferred your choice to the other choice, you would take 1, 2, or 3 steps in that direction. it was meant to show us what we had in common with our co-leaders and get to know them better. it was fun, especially since with the Boston Campaign, there are 3 of us leaders, 2 girls and 1 guy, and a lot of the time me and Emily would be on the same side and Jared would be on the other, which was kinda funny. a lot of things were silly "astros or rangers" or "springer vs Maury"(all but 3 preferred Maury) and some were serious and good to know, like "chaos or order" or "follow the rules VS break the rules" or "time VS quality." one was "avoid conflict VS confront conflict." me and Emily were 3 steps on the side of "avoid" and Jared was 3 steps on the side of "confront" which I found kinda funny. so we will be letting him do the "confrontation" with conflict.it was really helpful in terms of getting to know your co-leader(or leaders in our case) and also in seeing how strong you lean towards one side, or if you could do both so it was a good game.
these games were fun, and I did let down my guard a bit. I laughed a lot and I got to know some really awesome people.
I know I didn't do this soul exercise, but maybe it is...unrealistic for me to expect that every single soul exercise will be right up my alley and awesome for me. maybe we all tend to think like that, that every single spiritual discipline or soul exercise will work for us and make this huge impact in our lives. what do you think?

Life With God:Reading the Bible for Spiritual Transformation-Introduction

Author: Richard J.Foster

I got this book over the summer, and I started reading it over the summer, but I would always stop at the same place in the introduction and then get too busy with other books or events or stuff and so it took me about 2 months to finish the introduction of this book! LOL the good part is that since I read it so many times, I feel like it sunk in a little better than it normally would have. but I loved the introduction to this part, and it has really made me think and am  not even at the actual book yet!

this book, as you can tell, is about life with God. am bad at explaining what books are about, unlike my friend Brent. when Brent does a book post, he can explain to you so well what the book was about.however, i have trouble with that. my way is just to write about the parts that jumped out at me, the quotes I liked, and why. sometimes I do compare myself to Brent a lot and find myself lacking, but when it comes to writing, not so much. we just have different strenghts when it comes to writing. he's really good at nonfiction writing, like this kind, and am better at creative writing, writing stories,etc. anyway, totally got off track there.

the first thing that I totally fell in love with was on the first page:
"through scripture we hear God whispering down through the centuries: "I am with you! "I am with you!" "I am with you!" then, we heard God asking a question that searches the human person to the depths: "are you willing  to be with Me?"the scipture reveals that saying "yes" to this invitation thrusts human beings into life with God...daily...Hourly...moment by moment."(page vii).  I loved this because...it rings true for me. God has done so much for me when I stop and think about it, and all He asks is that I love Him, love others, and follow Him. if you consider all God does, even those things you will never know He did for you...doesnt seem like such a big request does it? I also like the last part, being in life with God daily, hourly, in every moment, not just in certain settings but in everything and everywhere. that appeals to me.  in my current hearbreak over Dan, i need someone to care enough to be there for me, and it seems like God is the only one that is doing that because He has always done that, you know?even when I knew Him but didnt really give Him any of my time.

on the next page, he writes: " just as God kept saying in ancient times, so God keeps saying today:"i am with you in all the love abd terrror and pity and pain and wonder that is your life. I am with you. are you willing to be with me?"(page viii)  I love this because it is saying that through it all, God is with me. no matter what, 24/7, whenever I need Him I dont even have to call Him, He is already there, He already knows. that's...amazing to me. and even though sometimes this isnt very comforting because sometimes, honestly, you need someone with skin, human touch. with this Dan heartbreak thing, I cannot tell you how much i long for someone to just...hold me, let me cry on their shoulder, and listen, but mostly just...hold me.  but I never tell anyone that. am not very comfortable with touchy, huggy, but mostly because am not used to it at all. sometimes, a hug can go such a long way towards making someone feel even a tiny bit better, or even loved and cared about. anyways, off track again. but the idea of God wanting to be with me, all the time, wanting to get to know me and spend time with me and teach me to love, and care and to do His work...if you think about it, it is pretty cool that the creater of the entire universe...loves you.  it's easy to lose that amazing feeling over that, but if you stop and think about it, it is so awesome.

"but we must seek this life out,turn into it because there is also a principle of death within us,stemming from the fall. therefore, we must be constantly saying "yes" to life and "no" to death. we must always be discerning life-giving actions and attitudes from those that are death giving."(page x). It really struck me that God is offering us this amazing life with God, but its not in our nature anymore because of the fall, so we have to always be choosing it, going against our nature in a way. God is life, and we have to always be choosing Him. it made me have this thought that maybe,before the fall, choosing God was in our nature, and everything else was not important, God was first, but after the fall, our nature changed. when you judge this, be kind, i am only a christian baby(2 years old on november 23!!). this was a new idea to me and also...revelied me a bit to think that its super hard on all of us, not just me, that it is in all of our natures to choose us over God, death over life, and we have to work against it. we all have to do that, not just me.

also on page x, foster wrote: "now, all this struggling  and learning to live "with God" has a rock-solid purpose to it: to transform us into the likeness and character of Jesus. God's everlasting intent for human life is that we should be in every aspect a dwelling place for God."(page x). I really like the first part of this. I want to be like Jesus, as dorky as that sounds. granted, we can never fully reach that goal, but we can try and try and try, each and every day, and in each and every moment. it ties back in with what he wrote on the first page, about being in life with God hourly and daily, moment by moment. the part about a dwelling place for God, I must admit I don't fully...grasp that concept yet. I understand it, but I still have to...work on a bit more. I guess it has to do with Jesus/Holy Spirit being in you, and living your life to reflect that. a concept that I am still working on. still, i like the idea of living my life to reflect Jesus and be a good ambassador for Him.

in a previous post, chapter 2 of the Good and Beautiful Life, I wrote how I loved James Bryan Smith's message about the kingdom of God/Heaven being here and not far away. well, foster writes: "Hence, we want to become the kind of person inwardly so that when we do get to Heaven we will want to stay there.our feelings and passions and affections will have been so transformed that we will feel right at home in heaven.nor does this transforming process have to wait for heaven.oh,no, it begins now...today."(page xi). I loved hearing the message that smith wrote about being written about here as well. I especially loved the part about this transformation not having to wait for heaven. if the kingdom of God is here, and we are children of the kingdom, then we should start...acting and living and loving to reflect that. it's like my china prep...I know am going to China, and so am doing all I can to prepare myself,so that even though I wont learn nearly all I need to know until I get there, it wont be such a total shock. what if Heaven begins...right now.  what if the kingdom of God has been here all along, and we have been living in it and claiming it but not acting and living like it. one of my favorite songs is this 80s pop hit called "heaven is a place on earth" and I think that says it all; heaven is on earth, and the "place" is...you. me. us. makes me wonder why we don't act like the children of the kingdom, children of God, that we claim to be.
 "entering a "with God life"baptizes us into the milieu of the Holy Spirit. everything around us becomes scented with the fragrance of heaven..."(page xi). no deep thoughts here, I just love the idea of the very air around me, my essence, having the fragrance of heaven. am a romantic soul,and I am a creative writer/fiction writer(to be formal) so this idea appeals to my soul.
the last thing that really stuck out to me was this: "the heart is deeply and surely healed and restored and redirected by God alone."(page xi). I am currently more heartbroken that I can say over Dan, and when I read this, my thought was that this is exactly what I need. I need God to come in and healed my heart, restore it, and sent it in a new direction. it was also...comforting in a way, to read that God is the only one that can do this for me. that I cant do it for me, Dan cant do it for me, not even Brent can do this for me. only God can, and He will. last spring, before I knew that Dan knew I was in love with him, during the period when I didn't want to like Dan because I KNEW I would end up like this, I heard God telling me: "dont be afraid of a broken heart. I will heal it." either heal it or take care of it. but it seems as if foster is going along those same lines. and that's what i need.
this introduction was so good! I am so excited to read the rest of the book, and how to read the bible for living a "God life" and I think I'm gonna learn a lot from this book.

The Good and Beautiful Life:Chapter Two

Author: James Bryan Smith

Chapter two of this book has taken me awhile to get around to, mostly because I've been busy with school. I love my classes this semester, but they are all so intense and so much reading! anyway, I finally read it today and it was a really good chapter! this chapter's title is "the gospel many people have never heard." in this chapter he talks about how most of have know the message of the gospels as "jesus came to earth to save us." which He did, and that is part of the gospels of course, but smiths talks about  how the central message of the gospels, what Jesus preached, was about the kingdom of God. smith wrote: "i  came to realize,thanks to some gifted teachers,that the gospel Jesus   preached includes even more than being loved,forgiven,reconciled, and given a new identity.i failed to know for over 10 years of my christian life that the gospel also includes an invitation to a great adventure,which i have come to know as 'living in the kingdom of God' ."(36).      I had trouble understanding this when I first read it. it was...strange to think of what else the Gospel could be about. but the more I read the chapter, the more I got it, and the more I came to see that maybe, just maybe, we are missing Jesus' greatest message to us.

"Jesus' narrative: getting heaven into us now." (36). this is the title of the first section of the chapter, and I love it. I always think of  heaven as a place to get to; a place. but what if heaven is more than a place?what if it's something that is inside of us....what if heaven is our heart, our soul, our love...I know am not making sense at all, but this is something that stuck out to me, so I want to write it on here. you know, I can always express myself and my feelings so much better in writing that I ever could with words, but sometimes, even in writing it's hard. some things are just...beyond words.

one thing that I loved in this chapter was when smith talked about how Jesus's message, what He preached about, was the Kingdom of God. smith wrote how in Matthew 4:17 we are told that after His temptation in the desert "...Jesus began to proclaim,'repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near.'(37). smith explains that the greek word for "repent" is metanoia, which means "change your mind." this changes the meaning of the verse. as smith says, most of us hear "repent" and think of behavior change, of doing something wrong and changing it. i know that's what ran through my mind when i read this verse. change your behavior, you're doing it wrong. but if you take the word Jesus actually used,"metanoia", then you start getting idea that he wasnt talking about behavior per say, but about changing your mind, the way you think because the kingdom of God is near. think about that part: the kingdom of God is near. what if Jesus wasnt talking about near in a a sense of time but location....what if He was saying that God's kingdom was coming to us? something that i found interesting was smith's explanation of "proclaim." he said: "the word proclaim was commonly used in Jesus' day for a herald who offered a very special word from the king."(37). so in His time, the word proclaim meant a very special amazing annoucement from the king. so matthew is telling us that Jesus went out to tell people this increable message the king had sent. pretty cool, at least i think so. it do find it kinda...ironic that i found the use of the original greek word and how they used the word proclaim  because this is something Brent would get super excited over, and it's one of the reasons why he loves greek so much, so it kinda...scares me when i find myself having a reaction to something or thinking about something in the same way that he would. not saying he isnt a great person, but the idea of thinking like him does scare me a bit. lol :)
 one thing that am not sure whether or not I agree on, or that confused me a bit, or got me thinking a bit...is this: "by labeling the kingdom as an eschatological(end times) reality that will come at the return of Christ,its role and value for our present lives is negated."(42). am not sure whether i agree with this or not. it seems to me like i hear all the time about "doing work for God's kingdom" or "part of the kingdom" so am not sure whether this is true or not. maybe i just dont understand what he meant. if your reading this, i would like to hear your thoughts,advice,etc.

one thing that smith wrote: "the kingdom of God is a present reality that will be fully consummated in the future."(42). I found this contradictory when i read it but at the same i liked it. i tend to think of the kingdom of God as a future thing, far off, but maybe it's a present thing and a future thing all at once. what if I have been...preparing,working,etc to enter something that is right here in front of me? ever wondered that? what if that thing that your working towards, that you are looking for, is right there in front of you? i have. maybe the right guy for me is right in front of me, and i just dont see him. or maybe the guy am meant to be with doesnt see me right here, right here in front of him.

i tend to get sidetracked a bit, so bear with me :)

i wont talk about it a whole lot, mostly because i didnt have a lot of deep thoughts about this, i just really liked it and it inspries me: "...He not only taught about it, he ministered by its power.and by its power Jesus' disciples changed the world,not only in the first century, but in every century since."(42). this inspires me, and i want do work,love,with the power of God's kingdom.

for the rest of this entry, I'm gonna simply write down parts of the chapter that stuck out to me and that I really loved.

• "the rightesousness we need to enter the kingdom is humility,purity of heart, and a desire to work on those aspects of our soul that are most important,such as intergrity,gentleness,respect and mercy."(44).
• i loved this because he is saying that its not the outer things, such as going to church, reading the bible,or even doing service to others, that counts, but its the inner parts that do. for example, its not the act of doing service that matters but the heart, the spirit, in which you do it. it inspires me to stop concentrating on my actions, and start concentrating on my heart, my soul.
• "to enter the kingdom,we must work on our inner life."(44)
• same as what i put above.
• "...children are innocent,trusting and have little self-consciouness. they do not naturally judge others or hate people those are learned activities.love comes naturally to children. of course,children convey more than innocence and love and trustl the can be petty and selfish and fearful.but children do not naturally need to be in control.they have very little authorityor power,and live each day in dependence and trust,receiving everything as a gift.and this,i believe,is what Jesus is advocating."(44).
• this is only part of a paragraph, but i love it! i love especially the part where he writes that love comes naturally to children. i want that so much!
• "the Holy Spirit has been leading me tos Jesus for some time, and when I relinquished control of my life,the Spirit then infused my entire being with new life and new capabilities."(45).
• i love this because its such a beautiful image for me, and also because I want that! i want the Spirit to just...take over me and make Jesus shine through me.
• "some may feel as if their experience is inferior,but in reality it is far better to have walked a whole life with Jesus."(45).
• this is the same idea that Alex Ketterman talked about at the Southern Hills Retreat saturday night devo, that those that havent had a tough, difficult journey to faith feel inferior in a way. however, this kinda...hurt my feelings, because I did not grow up going to church,hearing or talking about God,etc so it kinda makes me sad to hear that it's better to have grown up in it.
• "the wind blows where it chooses,and you hear the sound of it,but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes. so it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit."(john 3:8)(45).
• smith explains that the word for Spirit and wind is the same in greek. so knowing that, it changes the passage a bit for me. what if its not a comparision but a description of the Spirit? plus, i love the image, the idea of the Spirit moving, and you hear it, but you dont know where its going, where its been, or where it'll take you. it makes me excited!
• "we enter the kingdom through surrender,humility,trust, and a willingnessto begin working on our hearts in order to become the kind of person God desires us to be."(46).
• this is what smith says at the end of the chapter, and i love it!

this chapter was so good! i learned that maybe the kingdom of God is something that will happen when Christ comes back, but it also something that  is right here. after reading this chapter, I think that part of a Good and Beautiful Life is...putting Heaven inside of you(or working towards that, none of us are perfect)...the love, purity, gentleness, endless love,caring,etc that Jesus had and putting it inside our hearts and making it   part of our soul. does that make sense?i hope so lol

They Like Jesus But Not The Church: Chapter 1

Author: Dan Kimball

This is the first chapter of the book and it deals with the idea that people that don't like church,that don't like christians,etc usually feel that way because of christians that they have met, or how they've been treated by christians. the chapter's title,I problaly wouldnt like christians if I werent one, is one that i can certaintly relate to. i've had that feeling of being thankful that christianity is about Jesus and not us. i've had those moments where the only thing stopping me from quitting this christian thing, was Jesus/God. i wonder how many other people have had moments like that. Gandi was like this emergening generation: he loved our God but he didnt love us.

He starts out the chapter by telling this story of going to a gym and talking to the trainer( a woman) and she was showing him the machines, and they were talking, and finally she asked what he did and he said he was a pastor. she flipped out, as in she accindely tripped over one of the machines. she couldnt believe that this nice, friendly man she had been talking to was a pastor. to her, pastors are supposed to be creepy, and hate homosexuals,etc.  He wrote that her image of pastors is a growing one in the country: "In certain areas of the country  which are more conservative,such as the Bible Belt,there is a strong historial christian presence and churches are everywhere.there is some degree of cultural respect for Christians and church leaders, and so you might not find such a strong reaction as the trainer's. but please don't assume that even in conservative areas the sentiment about Christians and churches isnt changing,especially among younger generations."(page 26).    being in Abilene, it's hard to wrap your mind around the idea that there are people outhere that dont like christians. this is a town where christians are the norm,everyone seems to go to church, and that's all respected and even part of the town's...culture for lack of a better word. I didnt grow up going to church, or talking about God,etc. so i feel that i look at things a bit differently than a lot of my friends, who did grow up in it. not better, not worse, just a different perspective. i problaly come across as rude or something when I ask for advice and all I get is "oh pray about it" and i say that doesnt work for me, that it sounds like a cop-out, what you say when you dont have any advice but feel you have to say something. or when people try to make me feel better by pulling out the "everyone has  gift from God" speech.  from my perspective, outside of the Christian "culture" those things just sound empty, mostly because Christians say that so many times that by now, it's just what they tell everyone. but in a town like abilene, i suppose am a minority. and i guess i am a little used to it being respected, to it being the norm. yet in China, i might run across people like that trainer, and it makes me wonder, what i will do, what my reaction will be...how it'll make me feel. i think that it would be such  a blessing for me from God to...change someone's perspective of Christians a tiny bit  for the better or even that by meeting me they learn that maybe, just maybe, not all Christians are like the  ones that yell at people, that are judgemental and more focused on their religion that loving people. another thing i can relate to in a way is this: "....and that the only thing they have experienced from Christians is being told right away how wrong they are."(page 27).  this is about non-christians, but i can relate to the feeling of being told, though not directly, that am wrong. the night of the "Dan talk" i ended up asking anne to give me a ride, and we talked a bit, but it quickly became obvious to me, that she might have been trying to help, but all she was doing was telling me how what i wanted wasnt what i should want, and she basically did tell me i was wrong for wanting a relationshio with a guy, for not wanting to be single(coming from someone who is dating someone and has been dating him for years). and once i talked to abigail about the campus ministry thing and she basically told me i was wrong and that i was being selfish. so i can relate to feeling like sometimes Christians,despite motives, just end up telling someone why they are wrong, why they shouldnt want something,etc. i try not to do that,i try not to make people feel like they have defend/justify how they feel to me, and i might not be perfect at it by any means, but i do try. putting someone in the position of being told in a nice fancy christian way that they want the wrong thing is not a good way to love them. at least, that's my thought.

there are so many things in this chapter that i liked and that...caught my eye, but i wont talk about them all. mostly because it's almost 11pm and am kinda tired, so i do want to keep it short. lol

 He had a section wrote about a time that he  talked  to these two college aged people, and he never said exatly what their religion was, but it was different than christianity. but he talked to them, went to the bookstore they reccomended, and even though he didnt believe in their beliefs and believed they were wrong, he still respected their beliefs and took time out to spend with them.  he closed the section with: "i love the heart of Jesus, who spoke to people outside of the religious circles of his day. we should pay close attention to his example."(page 29). i love love love this! the part where he says he loves the heart of Jesus especially touched me. i think i get so caught up in trying to live like Jesus, and live like He taught us to  that...i guess I dont think about whether I am loving the way Jesus did, if I am working at modeling my heart after His. and i did just not have that thought. Jesus did teach us how to live, but he did also live it out, and His heart is the way ours needs to be, and how He loved is how we should love.

this is just a... thought I had so I thought i'll throw it on here. page  32 the author writes: "...or on seeing Christians standing outside of rock concerts with lists of sins on big signs and shouting through megaphones that everyone passing by wont find God in the concert." the author put in parentheses that he had experienced this the last 2 concerts he went to. when i read this, i had this thought: "how do you know they wont find God at the concert?" it feels to me like a statment like that is...egostical. God can reveal Himself any way He wants us, and by saying things like that, we are saying that we know God, we know how He works and how He doesnt work. and second, we are also putting God in a catergory. we are limiting Him like we are limited. i know, weird huh? but it's what ran through my mind and so I thought I'll write it on here.

the last section of the chapter, he closes with this: "we need to be careful that we dont do the same thing and make assumptions about others based on a few bad experiences."(page 34). i think this is important in so many ways, but for myself, it's very important in terms of my going to China. it's actually very similiar to one of the articles I am reading as part of my training to go. the article talked how we shouldnt get discouraged when we try to talk to someone about Jesus and it doesnt work, or we get blown off, or it doesnt work out, or they try it for awhile but then leave,etc. we need to keep trying and not let the bad experiences stop us. this is the same idea, i think. it's important that i dont let the times that it's not gonna work, that i will try to talk to someone about Jesus and it doesnt work keep me from trying with others. it's hard to write down for some reason. i guess that i am not gonna go to China and successfully tell someone about Jesus and help them to meet and see Jesus with everyone I meet, and most often it's not gonna work, but that doesnt mean I should let those bad experiences stop me.

this chapter was so good! i really took away from it that we have to stop being so...judgemental in how we view non-christian people, or even non-church people. we have a bad steroptype on us guys, and we have to change it. we are supposed to be letting Jesus shine through us, but we dont seem to be doing a good job of that.

A Good and Beautiful Life:Letter to God Soul Exercise

Author:James Bryan Smith

Dear: God,

 The life I want most for myself is a life that is just like the world feels after it rains. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense,but it's the image that comes to my mind when I think about what I want my life to be like. the world after it rains(and this is from my viewpoint-others might disagree! lol ) feels fresh, clear, brand-new, and full of opportunities.  it makes me feel happy and alive and ready to try new things, to go new places, and it gives me hope that in the end, all will be okay. to me, that is a good and beautiful life, and that's the life I want most for myself.

     I want my life feel fresh and light. I can't describe it very well God, but that's one of your endless beauties. I don't have to describe it well or describe it at all! you know exactly what I mean, even if I can't find the words to bring the feelings out. I want my life to be one where I'm not...weighted down by anything. I know that no one has a carefree life, and that's not what I mean. I don't want to go through life...dragging something behind me, carrying it everywhere I go, getting so focused on it that I don't and/or can't focus on anything else. I want my life to be light, fresh...the way the world feels after it rains: cool, clear, and unburdened. 

     the world after it rains always make me feel like there so many opportunities out there and it gives me this...desire to want to do new things, go new places, experience new things,etc. I want that to be part of my life. I want my life to be one that reflects not being unwilling to try new things, to do something despite it being tough or scary, or brand new. I know that right now, I'm not very good at living my life this way, but I am trying God. I'm going to China, which will be a new experience in so many ways, and just as scary as it is exciting.I'm trying to be more outgoing, and I'm even trying to be a leader,despite the fact that no one ever gives me a chance.I want to be a leader, I want to make a difference in people's lives. the world after it rains, gives a feeling of peace and joy, and i want my life to be like that, peaceful and joyful and also help other people feel the same way. 

as materialistic as this sounds, a good and beautiful life to me also includes traveling. I want a life where I am a cosmopolitan, a world traveler, going to new places, experiencing new things, new and different ways of thinking, and learning to love the whole world, not just my tiny little part of it. I want that, even if its not a career that allows me to travel, but if traveling is a real and big part of my life. sometimes, I've thought about just getting a secretary/assistant job somewhere, and living in a small apartment, and saving up money to go on vacation for 3 weeks or so to a city, or country,etc. long shot, I know. I've also thought about doing lots of short term missions. its why i love the TESL field so much. I know what a difference coming to the USA made for me and my brother, and I also know that feeling of being somewhere and not understanding a word of what anyone was saying or what was going on. I want to teach English to help people avoid that feeling as much as I can, and its also a field where I can easily travel, teaching English in lots of countries. but I do want traveling to be a part of my life. its the kind of life I want for myself. it does also have to do with you God. I want to love your entire creation! I want to see you in lots of countries and cultures, and see your creation in other countries, see your creation of this planet as a whole,and not just love my culture,the nature i see in my part of the planet but all of it. 

I do want love as part of the life i want for myself the most. I want to be surrounded by people that love me and care for me and aren't afraid to show it, and do show it instead of just saying it. I want to have friends that i can call at midnight if am scared or upset or feeling alone, and i want friends that feel like family. i also want romantic love and career love...I want my life to be all about love...loving You, loving myself, my family, my friends, your Children and your creation as a whole and not a part of it....I want to love it all and be content with the part you have given me to be in your story.

the soul exercise for this chapter, as you can see, was to write a letter to god that started with: dear god, the life I want most for myself is..." and then you finished it. its was basically a letter telling God what a good and beautiful life would look like to you, what you want your life to look like. the letter that I wrote was a second draft. the first one is a notebook  and I wrote it during the last devo for the summer campus ministry because they were singing and i kinda found it...a bit boring. i guess its just not the way I praise God the easiest you know? anyway, part of the reflection for this soul exercise is to share this letter with people(if you were comfortable). I am comfortable sharing this letter. this letter is me. i just sat down and started writing, and didn't let myself worry about what a letter to God is supposed to be like,or what am supposed to talk about when I talk about what I want to be like. I just wrote it from my heart, and I'm very happy with it and am so excited to share it. it did also inspire me to do a photo essay about what i want my life to be like(in other words a photo essay version of this letter). somethings are better explained with images rather than words(as a writer, I should know! lol). writing this letter was easy for me because I write letters to God all the time, but it was good to...let myself feel what I want truly want my life to be like, and what I most want it to be like. I really encourage you to try it. do it your way! write a letter, write a blog, write a list, draw a picture, sculpt something, make a podcast... just let yourself honestly feel what you want your life to truly be like, without worrying what your supposed to want it to be like or what your supposed to say in exercises like this. we might all be God's children, but we are all different, and each of our souls are different

Do You Think I'm Beautiful?: Chapter 1

Author: Angela Thomas

The title of this book makes it kinda obvious what it is about. this book is about how every woman has a desire to be beautiful, to be wanted and persued.yet we are not known as beautiful, so we hide that desire, telling ourselves that it doesnt matter. in this book, the author talks about her life long belief that she wasnt beautiful yet having a deep desire to be beautiful. It is a christian-based book because she talks about how God is The One, The Prince,etc that pursues us, and wants us and knows that we are beautiful.
    My whole life, I have not believed that I am beautiful. no guy has ever told me I am beautiful, has never asked me out, wanted me,etc. on page 2, in the first section of the chapter, the author writes: "Don't get the wrong impression; no one has ever called me ugly,and no one ever laughed in my face.It's just that no one ever noticed." this is exactly the way I feel. so many times during this chapter, it is like she took my emotions and put them into words. things that I am feeling but could not put into words, she put into words. like her, no one has ever really made fun of me of me for how I look(that am aware of), no one has ever told me I am ugly, or not pretty or not beautiful. but no one has ever come up to me, and made me feel special, beautiful. I'm not noticed. people dont really notice when I dress up, or if they do they dont say anything. when I go to Southern Hills, I try to dress up a bit, sometimes wear make-up, get my hair done, and...they dont notice. I know this sounds like superficial beautiful, and part of it is, I would be lying if I said it wasnt. but it's about feeling that I am wanted, and to be known as beautiful, and be pursued. feel special. they dont make me feel special, and they dont make me feel unspecial. they dont notice. a bit further down the page, the author wrote: " I eventually realized that if I couldnt appeal to their visual senses, I could make people laugh and be fun enough to appeal to their hearts." once again, she put words to my emotions.  In my main blog( the garden one)I write all the time that I dont understand why no guy ever likes me as more than a friend if I make them laugh, and they think am smart and funny, and like spending time with me,etc. what the author wrote makes sense to me. I know am not beautiful, and so I try to make up for it by being funny, kind, nice, friendly, fun to be around,etc. and I hope and pray that this will be enough for guys, but so far, it hasnt been enough for any of them. well, enough to love being my friend but not enough to even give me a chance as more than a friend. think am exagerating? well, let's see. Trevor and I got along good, we got each other's sense of humor, we talked easily, I made him laugh,etc and I wasnt good enough for him. Brent...same thing; we got along, we were good friends, we could talk about anything and I am convinced that my sense of humor is rubbing off on him a  bit, and...once again, I wasnt good enough. and last but not least, there is Dan. the guy I am crazy to pieces about. the guy that I would do just about anything for. we get along really good, I make him laugh all the time(seriously, all the time. he laughs at everything I say), I encourage him, I support him, and I even pray for him every single day. he even seems to like my relationship with Jesus and for some reason I seem to help him see/think about things in a different way. and..I'm still not good enough. I try so hard to make up for my lack of beautiful, and it is never ever enough. I try to appeal to their hearts, and while it makes them love me as a friend, it is never enough to even give me a chance as more than a friend.
people say that you dont need other people telling you your beautiful to know that you are, and while I know that's true, it still doesnt help. the author wrote it better than I could: "if I were really pretty, I reasoned,then someone besides my father would notice. but no one ever did."(page 3). this speaks for itself. for me, that someone is a guy. if i am such a great person, and if i am supposedly beautiful, then why doesnt a guy ever give me  a chance to be more than a friend? they are all so sure that I'm not the one for them, and maybe its because I am not beautiful. that's a truth that  I hear in my head and feel in my heart. and so far...no one has ever proven me wrong.
I'm sure you have started to see the heart of the matter. this is about being able to believe and to feel that I am beautiful. and as I've said earlier, its not that people have put me down, but its that they dont notice or care enough to notice.
I love the way the author used the story of Cinderella to describe this and make it easier to explain and understand. she gives the highlights of the story and then she says:

"now tell me, when you think of yoursef in this story,which character do you allow yourself to become?where are you standing at the ball? i would love it if you thought of yourself as Cinderealla.i have tried on those slippers but have never been able to bring mysef to believe that i shoud be dancing in her shoes.i have never thought of myself as a stepsister or the evil stepmother either.somehow, i have always seen myself as one of the faceless in the crowd.one of the girls from the kingdom who gave it her best shot,spend days optimistically preparing for the ball, splurged on the dress and the hair,and anxiously arrived with butterflies in her stomach, only to stand around with the other hopefuls,make small talk, smile politely, groove to the music, and remain unnoticed."(page 5).

I can imagine all my friends who are girls as Cinderella so easily. abigail, anne, anna, ellen, taylor, cambria... and I can super easily picture my friend Brent as the prince. mainly because, like prince charming, he turned down every girl that came up to him, wanting him to give her a chance. but me? where do I see millie? I see me as one of the nameless, faceless girls who you can see in the background, but that's it. and you dont care enough to wonder. so am not the evil stepsisters, but am not Cinderella either. that's my reality: standing in the background, unnoticed, watching Cinderella. I've "...stopped dressing up or anticipating the ball, deciding its better to stay home than to hope again and be disappointed."(page 6).

the world doesnt help either. it seems like all I hear from my friends whom I love and whom have good intations, but who in so many words say that I shouldnt feel this way. the author wrote on page 7: "...afraid that longings are sin..." this is basically what I hear from my friends. I shouldnt want to have a relationship. ast year, during study abroad, we were in france and some of the girls went out to this restaurant to eat dinner and we got to talking about some of the guys, and this one guy came up( i wont mention names) and one of the girs said that she knew that he wanted marriage really bad and that she felt that when a guy wants it that bad, its problaly not gonna happen. i remenber this because...i want marriage really bad, and i dont understand it when people tell me that what is keeping me from getting it is wanting it. i dont care how she meant it or what she meant, i still get a bit mad when i think about that and no one will ever convince me that wanting marriage so bad, wanting a guy,etc is what is keeping me from getting it or that as soon as I stop wanting it it will happen. when Dan rejected me, I couldnt trust mysef to drive back from Southern Hills, so I got a ride from Anne, and we talked for a bit before she dropped me off, and I know her heart was in the right place, but it was basically a lecture on why I shouldnt want and be looking for a relationship. I was basically in a position where I had to and was defending my desires, and i dont think that's a good thing when you put someone in the position of having to justify how they feel.

on page 8, the author wrote about eating with a friend once and her friend asked to move tables because she could feel people staring at her because she was so pretty. the author wrote: "athough it is painfully real for her,it is no exaggeration to say I cannot imagine her struggle. you see, I have always assumed that no one is looking."   Anne told me while we were talking about how she is in a relationship but she has to work hard at letting hersef trust him and she's not sure if she'll ever be able to marry him, and i know it's a problem for her, but all I can think of is that at least she HAS THE DAMM OPTION OF MARRYING SOMEONE!! I DONT, AND I NEVER WILL!!ITS LIKE COMPLAINING TO A HOMELESS PERSON HOW YOU'RE ARE STRESSED OUT BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW IF YOU CAN AFFORD TO BUY A BIGGER HOUSE! WHY WOULD YOU TALK TO THEM ABOUT THAT, KNOWING THEY DONT HAVE A HOME PERIOD! so i can really relate to the above quote. i've felt it so many times. i do everytime Brent acts like he understands my issues and hurt over never having been asked out, having been kissed or anything. its not the same because he has always been  the prince at ball, turning down all the girls. meanwhile, i have always been one of the faceless girls at the ball. 

there are so many quotes in this chapter that came right out of my heart it seems. but this entry is always a mile long, so I'll end it with saying that the author talked at the end of the chapter how at some point she could not keep pretending that being beautiful did not matter to her, that being noticed wasnt important. she stopped prentending and turned to God, she asked God all those questions she had been hiding deep, the same questions all women have inside: "Who will fight for me? who will be my hero? who will call me beautiful?" (page 16). God answered her, saying to put it short, that He would. I like that idea, but to be honest, I'm not there yet. I want a guy to want me, and say that am special, that he knows I'm beautiful. i want a guy to tell me that I'm Cinderella.or at least his Cinderella. its what I have wanted my whole life. its a big leap to truly feel, belief, and live that God is that Prince. how do I do that? and what difference would it make?would it make a difference?

They Like Jesus But Not The Church: Introduction

Author: Dan Kimball

I've been having some issues with the campus ministry at Southern Hills lately, and so I went looking on amazon.com for books that talk about thinking about leaving  church, and sadly there weren't all that many, but this was one of the few that I found. the topic isnt exactly what I was looking for, but it talks about how emerging generations are not going to church and/or leaving church. its not that they hate Jesus; the opposite, they love Jesus, they respect Him, and are very much open to talking about Him; they just don't like church.  

I read the introduction, which gives an insight into this topic. obviously, it introduces it. :) anyway, I really liked this introduction and it really made me realize that this is a good book for me to read because in many ways, I am part of that emerging generation. I LOVE Jesus, and God, and am happy to learn about Him, have a relationship with Him,etc but church? as much as I like going, I don't...feel like its necessary. in fact, I didn't start going to church until fall of sophomore year. my main reason for loving it is because a lot of my friends attend southern hills, and I like spending time with them.  still, I dont feel like church is doing anything for me. they don't give me chances to be a leader, they don't pursue community with me(in fact I don't get acknowledged as much as other people) and it makes me wonder why the heck I am there.

the author starts the book out by telling a story of when he was talking to a group of about 500 pastors at an evangelican conference/meeting. he writes:

"i built a case for our need to think of missionaries not only as those you send overseas somewhere but also as ourselves here in our emerging culture in our own towns and cities. i then pleaded with the pastors to consider how we might spend our time and how our lives might change if we saw ourselves as missionaries."(page 12).

further down the page, 1-2 pararaphs later, the author writes that instead of staying in the church office all day, all week, he holds meetings and things on Mondays and Tuesdays at the church office, and then on Wednesdays he goes to a coffeehouse to study for the weekend sermon, and then on Thursdays he goes to another coffeehouse where he holds meetings with people instead of at the church office. following this he writes:

"I explained that I like going to these coffehouses because I find myself engaging in conversations with non-christians, primarily in their twenties,who work there or regularly hang out there.and i shared how i dont just walk up to strangers but how instead,over  a period of time, i get to know the coffeehouse workers and regulars."(page 12).

surprisingly, these evangelical pastors were not very receptive of this message. some got very defensive and some even got mad. they seemed to think that their job was to stay in the church and attend to their flock,and that non-Christians should come to them. i so dont agree with that because Jesus did not just sit in the synagogue, teaching those who were already there and then waited for people to come to Him. no, He went to them, and so should we. anyways, what really struck me about this is two things. I really liked the idea of thinking of ourselves as missionaries, that missionaries aren't just those people that go to other countries to minister to people, to help them see Jesus through them, or who get a missions degree. maybe that is right, but maybe, there's more to being missional than that. maybe we are all missionaries who help people get to know Jesus,and build relationships with them. and maybe, like the author says, we can do that in our own towns and cities. I think that is so true. missionaries are expected to build relationships with people, to not force Jesus on them but to love them and help them to see Jesus through them. we don't have to go overseas to do that, ad we don't need to have a degree in it to do that , although we seem to think so. it really makes me re-think my perception of what a missionary is and how you can do that.

the second thing that struck me about this is kinda silly, but I can relate to him when he said that he gets to know the workers and regulars in the coffeehouses but that kinda happens to me. I'm a creature of habit, so I tend to go to the same restaurants, salon, etc a lot, so I become familiar with the people who work there, although I don't get into conversations with them like he does, I do become familiar with them and them with me, so I thought it was kinda cool that to a greater extend he does the same thing. 

"some people aren't even comfortable saying they are a Christian but come up with new terms  such as 'Christ follower' to avoid negative and distorted associations."(page 15).

this struck out to me because I do tend to have a hard time with calling myself a Christian, and I do prefer to think of myself as a Christ follower. i am not sure if I totally agree with this; some people think that there is a difference between being a christian and being a Christ follower, and that being a christian doesn't make you a Christ follower. it did however, make me realize that there is a grain of truth to what he said. 

I like that he said that "the American church is not above what happened in Europe"(page 15).(the pretty much abandonment of their great cathedrals. he said that most of them are pretty much empty on Sunday mornings and that they are more for tourists than worship, which i can testify to. i saw a cathedral in Scotland that was being used as a restaurant, and another one that was under heavy construction. so i did see that they were tourist attractions more than the worship buildings they were built to be). he talked about church elders and officials are for the most part unaware of ignoring this problem of emerging generations leaving church because they tend to focus more on the above 35 generation, and that as long as they see some young people at church, they assume everything is fine. with so many mega-churches and huge churches, it doesn't seem like American is headed for Europe's fate. what the author said about this really struck me. he said that Europe never would have predicted this would happen to them either, yet it did. i agree. i don't think that ignoring this growing problem is going to help anything. i think that a lot of young people do leave church because there is isn't a lot for people in their 20s, and for other reasons. after campus ministry for example at southern hills, there is one class for singles in their 20s but other that that there is pretty much nothing for people in their 20s. and unless we want our buildings to end up as tourist attractions, we need to deal with this problem.I think that thinking that something can't happen to us is a very human re-action, and so its natural to assume that churches might have been...abandoned in europe, but that doesnt mean its going to happen here in america. am not sure whether it will or it wont, but i think that like the author says, it needs to be dealt with.and even if a church has lots of young people in it, that doesn't mean that these young people wont leave like the author says, or that they are doing more than just sitting in the pew, and nothing more.

on page 19, the author wrote: " statisics and surveys can be helpful, but they miss the heart. you don't see people's faces and expressions in statistics. you don't hear their stories, and you don't hear the emotion in their voices." this really struck me because as a single girl, I am a statistic, and people telling me that am not alone, that there are plenty of other single people out there is quoting staticstis in a way, and that doesnt help me feel any better. the author is making the point that knowing the numbers of young people that leave, that don't go to church,etc is not the same as talking to these people, hearing what they have to say. i sometimes feel like that, that people just quote numbers at me, that they tell me there are othe single girls, that am not the only one who sometimes feels alone,etc but that's not listening to me you know? that is quoting numbers at me; they are missing my heart. i know its a stretch, but its how i can relate to this quote. i prefer stories to numbers any day of the week as anyone that knows me could tell you, so it makes sense to me that dealing with the problem is not knowing how many young people there are in your church, how many leave, how many come but dont get involved,etc. that's a way to become aware of the problem, but keeping your eye on the numbers does nothing. we need to hear their stories, their heart.

i wrote earlier that I really liked the author's 'call' for us to think of ourselves as missionaries and not just those who go overseas. that's the thing that really stuck out to me in this introduction, and it does change the way you view the way you deal and relate to people. in the last section of the introduction, he wrote:

"exciting things are happening in some churches in which hundreds and even thounsands of people from emerging generations are being introduced to Jesus and becoming disciples. having talked with many of the church leaders whose churches are seeing this great response, I've learned that the key thing is that they see themselves as misionaries and their churches as missional. by missional i mean that these churches dont just have an evangelism program but see their church as a mission. these churches are doing far more than just putting on concerts or hoping  younger people will come to their church by adding candles, couches, and coffee..."(page 21).

I really like this because it makes me excited for some reason to think about churches seeing that being misional is not just another ministry but who they are. jesus wasnt just doing a missional ministry, he was being missional, and i am starting to believe that there is a difference.

on page 20, the author put some bullet points to explain his use of the word "missional" and they were all awesome but these two were my favorites:

• being missional means that we understand we don't "bring Jesus"to people but that we realize Jesus is active in culture and we join Him in what He is doing.
• I love this because I totally agree. Jesus is everywhere, and being missional is not bringing Jesus to people because He is already there. its helping people to see Him. 
• being missional means we serve our communities, and that we build relationships with the people in them, rather than seeing them as evangelistic targets.
• sometimes at the campus ministry i just feel like i am another number, another body that is there, and not a part of it. i think that we need to learn that is not about  numbers but about building relationships with them; people are not targets.

this introduction was good and it makes me so excited for the rest of the book. it makes me glad to know that I'm not alone in loving Jesus but not being so hot on church. plus, it's giving me some good insights that I never would have thought of.