Do You Think I'm Beautiful?: Chapter 1

Author: Angela Thomas

The title of this book makes it kinda obvious what it is about. this book is about how every woman has a desire to be beautiful, to be wanted and persued.yet we are not known as beautiful, so we hide that desire, telling ourselves that it doesnt matter. in this book, the author talks about her life long belief that she wasnt beautiful yet having a deep desire to be beautiful. It is a christian-based book because she talks about how God is The One, The Prince,etc that pursues us, and wants us and knows that we are beautiful.
    My whole life, I have not believed that I am beautiful. no guy has ever told me I am beautiful, has never asked me out, wanted me,etc. on page 2, in the first section of the chapter, the author writes: "Don't get the wrong impression; no one has ever called me ugly,and no one ever laughed in my face.It's just that no one ever noticed." this is exactly the way I feel. so many times during this chapter, it is like she took my emotions and put them into words. things that I am feeling but could not put into words, she put into words. like her, no one has ever really made fun of me of me for how I look(that am aware of), no one has ever told me I am ugly, or not pretty or not beautiful. but no one has ever come up to me, and made me feel special, beautiful. I'm not noticed. people dont really notice when I dress up, or if they do they dont say anything. when I go to Southern Hills, I try to dress up a bit, sometimes wear make-up, get my hair done, and...they dont notice. I know this sounds like superficial beautiful, and part of it is, I would be lying if I said it wasnt. but it's about feeling that I am wanted, and to be known as beautiful, and be pursued. feel special. they dont make me feel special, and they dont make me feel unspecial. they dont notice. a bit further down the page, the author wrote: " I eventually realized that if I couldnt appeal to their visual senses, I could make people laugh and be fun enough to appeal to their hearts." once again, she put words to my emotions.  In my main blog( the garden one)I write all the time that I dont understand why no guy ever likes me as more than a friend if I make them laugh, and they think am smart and funny, and like spending time with me,etc. what the author wrote makes sense to me. I know am not beautiful, and so I try to make up for it by being funny, kind, nice, friendly, fun to be around,etc. and I hope and pray that this will be enough for guys, but so far, it hasnt been enough for any of them. well, enough to love being my friend but not enough to even give me a chance as more than a friend. think am exagerating? well, let's see. Trevor and I got along good, we got each other's sense of humor, we talked easily, I made him laugh,etc and I wasnt good enough for him. Brent...same thing; we got along, we were good friends, we could talk about anything and I am convinced that my sense of humor is rubbing off on him a  bit, and...once again, I wasnt good enough. and last but not least, there is Dan. the guy I am crazy to pieces about. the guy that I would do just about anything for. we get along really good, I make him laugh all the time(seriously, all the time. he laughs at everything I say), I encourage him, I support him, and I even pray for him every single day. he even seems to like my relationship with Jesus and for some reason I seem to help him see/think about things in a different way. and..I'm still not good enough. I try so hard to make up for my lack of beautiful, and it is never ever enough. I try to appeal to their hearts, and while it makes them love me as a friend, it is never enough to even give me a chance as more than a friend.
people say that you dont need other people telling you your beautiful to know that you are, and while I know that's true, it still doesnt help. the author wrote it better than I could: "if I were really pretty, I reasoned,then someone besides my father would notice. but no one ever did."(page 3). this speaks for itself. for me, that someone is a guy. if i am such a great person, and if i am supposedly beautiful, then why doesnt a guy ever give me  a chance to be more than a friend? they are all so sure that I'm not the one for them, and maybe its because I am not beautiful. that's a truth that  I hear in my head and feel in my heart. and so far...no one has ever proven me wrong.
I'm sure you have started to see the heart of the matter. this is about being able to believe and to feel that I am beautiful. and as I've said earlier, its not that people have put me down, but its that they dont notice or care enough to notice.
I love the way the author used the story of Cinderella to describe this and make it easier to explain and understand. she gives the highlights of the story and then she says:

"now tell me, when you think of yoursef in this story,which character do you allow yourself to become?where are you standing at the ball? i would love it if you thought of yourself as Cinderealla.i have tried on those slippers but have never been able to bring mysef to believe that i shoud be dancing in her shoes.i have never thought of myself as a stepsister or the evil stepmother either.somehow, i have always seen myself as one of the faceless in the crowd.one of the girls from the kingdom who gave it her best shot,spend days optimistically preparing for the ball, splurged on the dress and the hair,and anxiously arrived with butterflies in her stomach, only to stand around with the other hopefuls,make small talk, smile politely, groove to the music, and remain unnoticed."(page 5).

I can imagine all my friends who are girls as Cinderella so easily. abigail, anne, anna, ellen, taylor, cambria... and I can super easily picture my friend Brent as the prince. mainly because, like prince charming, he turned down every girl that came up to him, wanting him to give her a chance. but me? where do I see millie? I see me as one of the nameless, faceless girls who you can see in the background, but that's it. and you dont care enough to wonder. so am not the evil stepsisters, but am not Cinderella either. that's my reality: standing in the background, unnoticed, watching Cinderella. I've "...stopped dressing up or anticipating the ball, deciding its better to stay home than to hope again and be disappointed."(page 6).

the world doesnt help either. it seems like all I hear from my friends whom I love and whom have good intations, but who in so many words say that I shouldnt feel this way. the author wrote on page 7: "...afraid that longings are sin..." this is basically what I hear from my friends. I shouldnt want to have a relationship. ast year, during study abroad, we were in france and some of the girls went out to this restaurant to eat dinner and we got to talking about some of the guys, and this one guy came up( i wont mention names) and one of the girs said that she knew that he wanted marriage really bad and that she felt that when a guy wants it that bad, its problaly not gonna happen. i remenber this because...i want marriage really bad, and i dont understand it when people tell me that what is keeping me from getting it is wanting it. i dont care how she meant it or what she meant, i still get a bit mad when i think about that and no one will ever convince me that wanting marriage so bad, wanting a guy,etc is what is keeping me from getting it or that as soon as I stop wanting it it will happen. when Dan rejected me, I couldnt trust mysef to drive back from Southern Hills, so I got a ride from Anne, and we talked for a bit before she dropped me off, and I know her heart was in the right place, but it was basically a lecture on why I shouldnt want and be looking for a relationship. I was basically in a position where I had to and was defending my desires, and i dont think that's a good thing when you put someone in the position of having to justify how they feel.

on page 8, the author wrote about eating with a friend once and her friend asked to move tables because she could feel people staring at her because she was so pretty. the author wrote: "athough it is painfully real for her,it is no exaggeration to say I cannot imagine her struggle. you see, I have always assumed that no one is looking."   Anne told me while we were talking about how she is in a relationship but she has to work hard at letting hersef trust him and she's not sure if she'll ever be able to marry him, and i know it's a problem for her, but all I can think of is that at least she HAS THE DAMM OPTION OF MARRYING SOMEONE!! I DONT, AND I NEVER WILL!!ITS LIKE COMPLAINING TO A HOMELESS PERSON HOW YOU'RE ARE STRESSED OUT BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW IF YOU CAN AFFORD TO BUY A BIGGER HOUSE! WHY WOULD YOU TALK TO THEM ABOUT THAT, KNOWING THEY DONT HAVE A HOME PERIOD! so i can really relate to the above quote. i've felt it so many times. i do everytime Brent acts like he understands my issues and hurt over never having been asked out, having been kissed or anything. its not the same because he has always been  the prince at ball, turning down all the girls. meanwhile, i have always been one of the faceless girls at the ball. 

there are so many quotes in this chapter that came right out of my heart it seems. but this entry is always a mile long, so I'll end it with saying that the author talked at the end of the chapter how at some point she could not keep pretending that being beautiful did not matter to her, that being noticed wasnt important. she stopped prentending and turned to God, she asked God all those questions she had been hiding deep, the same questions all women have inside: "Who will fight for me? who will be my hero? who will call me beautiful?" (page 16). God answered her, saying to put it short, that He would. I like that idea, but to be honest, I'm not there yet. I want a guy to want me, and say that am special, that he knows I'm beautiful. i want a guy to tell me that I'm Cinderella.or at least his Cinderella. its what I have wanted my whole life. its a big leap to truly feel, belief, and live that God is that Prince. how do I do that? and what difference would it make?would it make a difference?