A Good and Beautiful Life:Letter to God Soul Exercise

Author:James Bryan Smith

Dear: God,

 The life I want most for myself is a life that is just like the world feels after it rains. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense,but it's the image that comes to my mind when I think about what I want my life to be like. the world after it rains(and this is from my viewpoint-others might disagree! lol ) feels fresh, clear, brand-new, and full of opportunities.  it makes me feel happy and alive and ready to try new things, to go new places, and it gives me hope that in the end, all will be okay. to me, that is a good and beautiful life, and that's the life I want most for myself.

     I want my life feel fresh and light. I can't describe it very well God, but that's one of your endless beauties. I don't have to describe it well or describe it at all! you know exactly what I mean, even if I can't find the words to bring the feelings out. I want my life to be one where I'm not...weighted down by anything. I know that no one has a carefree life, and that's not what I mean. I don't want to go through life...dragging something behind me, carrying it everywhere I go, getting so focused on it that I don't and/or can't focus on anything else. I want my life to be light, fresh...the way the world feels after it rains: cool, clear, and unburdened. 

     the world after it rains always make me feel like there so many opportunities out there and it gives me this...desire to want to do new things, go new places, experience new things,etc. I want that to be part of my life. I want my life to be one that reflects not being unwilling to try new things, to do something despite it being tough or scary, or brand new. I know that right now, I'm not very good at living my life this way, but I am trying God. I'm going to China, which will be a new experience in so many ways, and just as scary as it is exciting.I'm trying to be more outgoing, and I'm even trying to be a leader,despite the fact that no one ever gives me a chance.I want to be a leader, I want to make a difference in people's lives. the world after it rains, gives a feeling of peace and joy, and i want my life to be like that, peaceful and joyful and also help other people feel the same way. 

as materialistic as this sounds, a good and beautiful life to me also includes traveling. I want a life where I am a cosmopolitan, a world traveler, going to new places, experiencing new things, new and different ways of thinking, and learning to love the whole world, not just my tiny little part of it. I want that, even if its not a career that allows me to travel, but if traveling is a real and big part of my life. sometimes, I've thought about just getting a secretary/assistant job somewhere, and living in a small apartment, and saving up money to go on vacation for 3 weeks or so to a city, or country,etc. long shot, I know. I've also thought about doing lots of short term missions. its why i love the TESL field so much. I know what a difference coming to the USA made for me and my brother, and I also know that feeling of being somewhere and not understanding a word of what anyone was saying or what was going on. I want to teach English to help people avoid that feeling as much as I can, and its also a field where I can easily travel, teaching English in lots of countries. but I do want traveling to be a part of my life. its the kind of life I want for myself. it does also have to do with you God. I want to love your entire creation! I want to see you in lots of countries and cultures, and see your creation in other countries, see your creation of this planet as a whole,and not just love my culture,the nature i see in my part of the planet but all of it. 

I do want love as part of the life i want for myself the most. I want to be surrounded by people that love me and care for me and aren't afraid to show it, and do show it instead of just saying it. I want to have friends that i can call at midnight if am scared or upset or feeling alone, and i want friends that feel like family. i also want romantic love and career love...I want my life to be all about love...loving You, loving myself, my family, my friends, your Children and your creation as a whole and not a part of it....I want to love it all and be content with the part you have given me to be in your story.

the soul exercise for this chapter, as you can see, was to write a letter to god that started with: dear god, the life I want most for myself is..." and then you finished it. its was basically a letter telling God what a good and beautiful life would look like to you, what you want your life to look like. the letter that I wrote was a second draft. the first one is a notebook  and I wrote it during the last devo for the summer campus ministry because they were singing and i kinda found it...a bit boring. i guess its just not the way I praise God the easiest you know? anyway, part of the reflection for this soul exercise is to share this letter with people(if you were comfortable). I am comfortable sharing this letter. this letter is me. i just sat down and started writing, and didn't let myself worry about what a letter to God is supposed to be like,or what am supposed to talk about when I talk about what I want to be like. I just wrote it from my heart, and I'm very happy with it and am so excited to share it. it did also inspire me to do a photo essay about what i want my life to be like(in other words a photo essay version of this letter). somethings are better explained with images rather than words(as a writer, I should know! lol). writing this letter was easy for me because I write letters to God all the time, but it was good to...let myself feel what I want truly want my life to be like, and what I most want it to be like. I really encourage you to try it. do it your way! write a letter, write a blog, write a list, draw a picture, sculpt something, make a podcast... just let yourself honestly feel what you want your life to truly be like, without worrying what your supposed to want it to be like or what your supposed to say in exercises like this. we might all be God's children, but we are all different, and each of our souls are different

Do You Think I'm Beautiful?: Chapter 1

Author: Angela Thomas

The title of this book makes it kinda obvious what it is about. this book is about how every woman has a desire to be beautiful, to be wanted and persued.yet we are not known as beautiful, so we hide that desire, telling ourselves that it doesnt matter. in this book, the author talks about her life long belief that she wasnt beautiful yet having a deep desire to be beautiful. It is a christian-based book because she talks about how God is The One, The Prince,etc that pursues us, and wants us and knows that we are beautiful.
    My whole life, I have not believed that I am beautiful. no guy has ever told me I am beautiful, has never asked me out, wanted me,etc. on page 2, in the first section of the chapter, the author writes: "Don't get the wrong impression; no one has ever called me ugly,and no one ever laughed in my face.It's just that no one ever noticed." this is exactly the way I feel. so many times during this chapter, it is like she took my emotions and put them into words. things that I am feeling but could not put into words, she put into words. like her, no one has ever really made fun of me of me for how I look(that am aware of), no one has ever told me I am ugly, or not pretty or not beautiful. but no one has ever come up to me, and made me feel special, beautiful. I'm not noticed. people dont really notice when I dress up, or if they do they dont say anything. when I go to Southern Hills, I try to dress up a bit, sometimes wear make-up, get my hair done, and...they dont notice. I know this sounds like superficial beautiful, and part of it is, I would be lying if I said it wasnt. but it's about feeling that I am wanted, and to be known as beautiful, and be pursued. feel special. they dont make me feel special, and they dont make me feel unspecial. they dont notice. a bit further down the page, the author wrote: " I eventually realized that if I couldnt appeal to their visual senses, I could make people laugh and be fun enough to appeal to their hearts." once again, she put words to my emotions.  In my main blog( the garden one)I write all the time that I dont understand why no guy ever likes me as more than a friend if I make them laugh, and they think am smart and funny, and like spending time with me,etc. what the author wrote makes sense to me. I know am not beautiful, and so I try to make up for it by being funny, kind, nice, friendly, fun to be around,etc. and I hope and pray that this will be enough for guys, but so far, it hasnt been enough for any of them. well, enough to love being my friend but not enough to even give me a chance as more than a friend. think am exagerating? well, let's see. Trevor and I got along good, we got each other's sense of humor, we talked easily, I made him laugh,etc and I wasnt good enough for him. Brent...same thing; we got along, we were good friends, we could talk about anything and I am convinced that my sense of humor is rubbing off on him a  bit, and...once again, I wasnt good enough. and last but not least, there is Dan. the guy I am crazy to pieces about. the guy that I would do just about anything for. we get along really good, I make him laugh all the time(seriously, all the time. he laughs at everything I say), I encourage him, I support him, and I even pray for him every single day. he even seems to like my relationship with Jesus and for some reason I seem to help him see/think about things in a different way. and..I'm still not good enough. I try so hard to make up for my lack of beautiful, and it is never ever enough. I try to appeal to their hearts, and while it makes them love me as a friend, it is never enough to even give me a chance as more than a friend.
people say that you dont need other people telling you your beautiful to know that you are, and while I know that's true, it still doesnt help. the author wrote it better than I could: "if I were really pretty, I reasoned,then someone besides my father would notice. but no one ever did."(page 3). this speaks for itself. for me, that someone is a guy. if i am such a great person, and if i am supposedly beautiful, then why doesnt a guy ever give me  a chance to be more than a friend? they are all so sure that I'm not the one for them, and maybe its because I am not beautiful. that's a truth that  I hear in my head and feel in my heart. and so far...no one has ever proven me wrong.
I'm sure you have started to see the heart of the matter. this is about being able to believe and to feel that I am beautiful. and as I've said earlier, its not that people have put me down, but its that they dont notice or care enough to notice.
I love the way the author used the story of Cinderella to describe this and make it easier to explain and understand. she gives the highlights of the story and then she says:

"now tell me, when you think of yoursef in this story,which character do you allow yourself to become?where are you standing at the ball? i would love it if you thought of yourself as Cinderealla.i have tried on those slippers but have never been able to bring mysef to believe that i shoud be dancing in her shoes.i have never thought of myself as a stepsister or the evil stepmother either.somehow, i have always seen myself as one of the faceless in the crowd.one of the girls from the kingdom who gave it her best shot,spend days optimistically preparing for the ball, splurged on the dress and the hair,and anxiously arrived with butterflies in her stomach, only to stand around with the other hopefuls,make small talk, smile politely, groove to the music, and remain unnoticed."(page 5).

I can imagine all my friends who are girls as Cinderella so easily. abigail, anne, anna, ellen, taylor, cambria... and I can super easily picture my friend Brent as the prince. mainly because, like prince charming, he turned down every girl that came up to him, wanting him to give her a chance. but me? where do I see millie? I see me as one of the nameless, faceless girls who you can see in the background, but that's it. and you dont care enough to wonder. so am not the evil stepsisters, but am not Cinderella either. that's my reality: standing in the background, unnoticed, watching Cinderella. I've "...stopped dressing up or anticipating the ball, deciding its better to stay home than to hope again and be disappointed."(page 6).

the world doesnt help either. it seems like all I hear from my friends whom I love and whom have good intations, but who in so many words say that I shouldnt feel this way. the author wrote on page 7: "...afraid that longings are sin..." this is basically what I hear from my friends. I shouldnt want to have a relationship. ast year, during study abroad, we were in france and some of the girls went out to this restaurant to eat dinner and we got to talking about some of the guys, and this one guy came up( i wont mention names) and one of the girs said that she knew that he wanted marriage really bad and that she felt that when a guy wants it that bad, its problaly not gonna happen. i remenber this because...i want marriage really bad, and i dont understand it when people tell me that what is keeping me from getting it is wanting it. i dont care how she meant it or what she meant, i still get a bit mad when i think about that and no one will ever convince me that wanting marriage so bad, wanting a guy,etc is what is keeping me from getting it or that as soon as I stop wanting it it will happen. when Dan rejected me, I couldnt trust mysef to drive back from Southern Hills, so I got a ride from Anne, and we talked for a bit before she dropped me off, and I know her heart was in the right place, but it was basically a lecture on why I shouldnt want and be looking for a relationship. I was basically in a position where I had to and was defending my desires, and i dont think that's a good thing when you put someone in the position of having to justify how they feel.

on page 8, the author wrote about eating with a friend once and her friend asked to move tables because she could feel people staring at her because she was so pretty. the author wrote: "athough it is painfully real for her,it is no exaggeration to say I cannot imagine her struggle. you see, I have always assumed that no one is looking."   Anne told me while we were talking about how she is in a relationship but she has to work hard at letting hersef trust him and she's not sure if she'll ever be able to marry him, and i know it's a problem for her, but all I can think of is that at least she HAS THE DAMM OPTION OF MARRYING SOMEONE!! I DONT, AND I NEVER WILL!!ITS LIKE COMPLAINING TO A HOMELESS PERSON HOW YOU'RE ARE STRESSED OUT BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW IF YOU CAN AFFORD TO BUY A BIGGER HOUSE! WHY WOULD YOU TALK TO THEM ABOUT THAT, KNOWING THEY DONT HAVE A HOME PERIOD! so i can really relate to the above quote. i've felt it so many times. i do everytime Brent acts like he understands my issues and hurt over never having been asked out, having been kissed or anything. its not the same because he has always been  the prince at ball, turning down all the girls. meanwhile, i have always been one of the faceless girls at the ball. 

there are so many quotes in this chapter that came right out of my heart it seems. but this entry is always a mile long, so I'll end it with saying that the author talked at the end of the chapter how at some point she could not keep pretending that being beautiful did not matter to her, that being noticed wasnt important. she stopped prentending and turned to God, she asked God all those questions she had been hiding deep, the same questions all women have inside: "Who will fight for me? who will be my hero? who will call me beautiful?" (page 16). God answered her, saying to put it short, that He would. I like that idea, but to be honest, I'm not there yet. I want a guy to want me, and say that am special, that he knows I'm beautiful. i want a guy to tell me that I'm Cinderella.or at least his Cinderella. its what I have wanted my whole life. its a big leap to truly feel, belief, and live that God is that Prince. how do I do that? and what difference would it make?would it make a difference?

They Like Jesus But Not The Church: Introduction

Author: Dan Kimball

I've been having some issues with the campus ministry at Southern Hills lately, and so I went looking on amazon.com for books that talk about thinking about leaving  church, and sadly there weren't all that many, but this was one of the few that I found. the topic isnt exactly what I was looking for, but it talks about how emerging generations are not going to church and/or leaving church. its not that they hate Jesus; the opposite, they love Jesus, they respect Him, and are very much open to talking about Him; they just don't like church.  

I read the introduction, which gives an insight into this topic. obviously, it introduces it. :) anyway, I really liked this introduction and it really made me realize that this is a good book for me to read because in many ways, I am part of that emerging generation. I LOVE Jesus, and God, and am happy to learn about Him, have a relationship with Him,etc but church? as much as I like going, I don't...feel like its necessary. in fact, I didn't start going to church until fall of sophomore year. my main reason for loving it is because a lot of my friends attend southern hills, and I like spending time with them.  still, I dont feel like church is doing anything for me. they don't give me chances to be a leader, they don't pursue community with me(in fact I don't get acknowledged as much as other people) and it makes me wonder why the heck I am there.

the author starts the book out by telling a story of when he was talking to a group of about 500 pastors at an evangelican conference/meeting. he writes:

"i built a case for our need to think of missionaries not only as those you send overseas somewhere but also as ourselves here in our emerging culture in our own towns and cities. i then pleaded with the pastors to consider how we might spend our time and how our lives might change if we saw ourselves as missionaries."(page 12).

further down the page, 1-2 pararaphs later, the author writes that instead of staying in the church office all day, all week, he holds meetings and things on Mondays and Tuesdays at the church office, and then on Wednesdays he goes to a coffeehouse to study for the weekend sermon, and then on Thursdays he goes to another coffeehouse where he holds meetings with people instead of at the church office. following this he writes:

"I explained that I like going to these coffehouses because I find myself engaging in conversations with non-christians, primarily in their twenties,who work there or regularly hang out there.and i shared how i dont just walk up to strangers but how instead,over  a period of time, i get to know the coffeehouse workers and regulars."(page 12).

surprisingly, these evangelical pastors were not very receptive of this message. some got very defensive and some even got mad. they seemed to think that their job was to stay in the church and attend to their flock,and that non-Christians should come to them. i so dont agree with that because Jesus did not just sit in the synagogue, teaching those who were already there and then waited for people to come to Him. no, He went to them, and so should we. anyways, what really struck me about this is two things. I really liked the idea of thinking of ourselves as missionaries, that missionaries aren't just those people that go to other countries to minister to people, to help them see Jesus through them, or who get a missions degree. maybe that is right, but maybe, there's more to being missional than that. maybe we are all missionaries who help people get to know Jesus,and build relationships with them. and maybe, like the author says, we can do that in our own towns and cities. I think that is so true. missionaries are expected to build relationships with people, to not force Jesus on them but to love them and help them to see Jesus through them. we don't have to go overseas to do that, ad we don't need to have a degree in it to do that , although we seem to think so. it really makes me re-think my perception of what a missionary is and how you can do that.

the second thing that struck me about this is kinda silly, but I can relate to him when he said that he gets to know the workers and regulars in the coffeehouses but that kinda happens to me. I'm a creature of habit, so I tend to go to the same restaurants, salon, etc a lot, so I become familiar with the people who work there, although I don't get into conversations with them like he does, I do become familiar with them and them with me, so I thought it was kinda cool that to a greater extend he does the same thing. 

"some people aren't even comfortable saying they are a Christian but come up with new terms  such as 'Christ follower' to avoid negative and distorted associations."(page 15).

this struck out to me because I do tend to have a hard time with calling myself a Christian, and I do prefer to think of myself as a Christ follower. i am not sure if I totally agree with this; some people think that there is a difference between being a christian and being a Christ follower, and that being a christian doesn't make you a Christ follower. it did however, make me realize that there is a grain of truth to what he said. 

I like that he said that "the American church is not above what happened in Europe"(page 15).(the pretty much abandonment of their great cathedrals. he said that most of them are pretty much empty on Sunday mornings and that they are more for tourists than worship, which i can testify to. i saw a cathedral in Scotland that was being used as a restaurant, and another one that was under heavy construction. so i did see that they were tourist attractions more than the worship buildings they were built to be). he talked about church elders and officials are for the most part unaware of ignoring this problem of emerging generations leaving church because they tend to focus more on the above 35 generation, and that as long as they see some young people at church, they assume everything is fine. with so many mega-churches and huge churches, it doesn't seem like American is headed for Europe's fate. what the author said about this really struck me. he said that Europe never would have predicted this would happen to them either, yet it did. i agree. i don't think that ignoring this growing problem is going to help anything. i think that a lot of young people do leave church because there is isn't a lot for people in their 20s, and for other reasons. after campus ministry for example at southern hills, there is one class for singles in their 20s but other that that there is pretty much nothing for people in their 20s. and unless we want our buildings to end up as tourist attractions, we need to deal with this problem.I think that thinking that something can't happen to us is a very human re-action, and so its natural to assume that churches might have been...abandoned in europe, but that doesnt mean its going to happen here in america. am not sure whether it will or it wont, but i think that like the author says, it needs to be dealt with.and even if a church has lots of young people in it, that doesn't mean that these young people wont leave like the author says, or that they are doing more than just sitting in the pew, and nothing more.

on page 19, the author wrote: " statisics and surveys can be helpful, but they miss the heart. you don't see people's faces and expressions in statistics. you don't hear their stories, and you don't hear the emotion in their voices." this really struck me because as a single girl, I am a statistic, and people telling me that am not alone, that there are plenty of other single people out there is quoting staticstis in a way, and that doesnt help me feel any better. the author is making the point that knowing the numbers of young people that leave, that don't go to church,etc is not the same as talking to these people, hearing what they have to say. i sometimes feel like that, that people just quote numbers at me, that they tell me there are othe single girls, that am not the only one who sometimes feels alone,etc but that's not listening to me you know? that is quoting numbers at me; they are missing my heart. i know its a stretch, but its how i can relate to this quote. i prefer stories to numbers any day of the week as anyone that knows me could tell you, so it makes sense to me that dealing with the problem is not knowing how many young people there are in your church, how many leave, how many come but dont get involved,etc. that's a way to become aware of the problem, but keeping your eye on the numbers does nothing. we need to hear their stories, their heart.

i wrote earlier that I really liked the author's 'call' for us to think of ourselves as missionaries and not just those who go overseas. that's the thing that really stuck out to me in this introduction, and it does change the way you view the way you deal and relate to people. in the last section of the introduction, he wrote:

"exciting things are happening in some churches in which hundreds and even thounsands of people from emerging generations are being introduced to Jesus and becoming disciples. having talked with many of the church leaders whose churches are seeing this great response, I've learned that the key thing is that they see themselves as misionaries and their churches as missional. by missional i mean that these churches dont just have an evangelism program but see their church as a mission. these churches are doing far more than just putting on concerts or hoping  younger people will come to their church by adding candles, couches, and coffee..."(page 21).

I really like this because it makes me excited for some reason to think about churches seeing that being misional is not just another ministry but who they are. jesus wasnt just doing a missional ministry, he was being missional, and i am starting to believe that there is a difference.

on page 20, the author put some bullet points to explain his use of the word "missional" and they were all awesome but these two were my favorites:

• being missional means that we understand we don't "bring Jesus"to people but that we realize Jesus is active in culture and we join Him in what He is doing.
• I love this because I totally agree. Jesus is everywhere, and being missional is not bringing Jesus to people because He is already there. its helping people to see Him. 
• being missional means we serve our communities, and that we build relationships with the people in them, rather than seeing them as evangelistic targets.
• sometimes at the campus ministry i just feel like i am another number, another body that is there, and not a part of it. i think that we need to learn that is not about  numbers but about building relationships with them; people are not targets.

this introduction was good and it makes me so excited for the rest of the book. it makes me glad to know that I'm not alone in loving Jesus but not being so hot on church. plus, it's giving me some good insights that I never would have thought of.